To anyone who reads this....be forewarned.....I am leaving YouTube.
I can not take it anymore.
The failure, the hopes, the dreams, the annoyances, the hurt I feel every day, it all has to stop.
I feel like a failure and a quitter. In fact, I am a quitter and a failure when it comes to my purpose being on YouTube. I get on saying I'm really excited about a new diet or idea that I have and then I come back saying it didn't work or I just didn't like it.
Not to mention the drama recently on youtube is crazy ridiculous and I just want to get away.
My weight loss journey, looking back, in January was full of hope and dreams. I was so into it while working out while living with my boyfriend that I was happy and doing something that I wanted to do. Once I moved back home, I stopped trying. I had the stress of my mom on my back wanting me to lose weight that it just makes me want to do the opposite and not even try anymore. :(
Seriously, if I get talked to over and over again about losing weight, it's just gonna make me not try. I have to want to do this for myself. Every single time I look into dieting I go and show my mom the diet plan just to get her excited and off of my back. When I stop, she tells me to continue eating because that's all I do.
Take tonight for instance...I really needed a shoulder to cry on. I get home and my mom is downstairs so I rush upstairs(hiding the McD's from her) and eat my two cheeseburgers. Then I go downstairs (mom is sleeping on the couch b/c my dad snores and moves around a lot) and I go in and take my McFlurry out of the freezer. Less than 10 minutes later, she comes up and says that we need to talk. I did not sneak my McFlurry upstairs because she was sleeping and it was in my hand it was just dark ...no lights were on when I walked by. She comes upstairs saying that I do nothing but bring home McD's every night (not true, I would admit that too but it's not true) and she says I do nothing but eat all day. Again, not true. She's at work all day and I go to work right before she gets home. She has no idea what I do all day. I have plenty of opportunities to eat...I mean I work at the Pretzel Peddler for god's sake. So she gets me really mad by telling me that I've quit my diet and I continue to piss her off by saying yes mom, I'm a quitter. She says I need help and I told her that she can't help me because I like my body right now. I like who I am and where I'm at in life. She doesn't hear that at all. It goes in one ear and our the other. I feel like all I do is try to make her happy and so she doesn't have a fat daughter.
That's all I've been to her is fat.
My eyes are tearing up as I'm writing this because this is ruining my life. Last year when I was doing MWLC diet, I wasn't at home and I think that's why I was so successful. If I was at home, I'd have the stress of her watching me like a hawk while eating ruin my day.
I feel so alone in this because I feel like I'm the only one who feels hurt when they eat. And my boyfriend wonders why I hate eating in front of family members....or why I hate walking by and getting food at family gatherings....or why I'm afraid to even eat fatty foods in front of others because I'm afraid someone will tell me it's not good for me.
I have cried so much in the past because of one tiny comment someone made to me even if they didn't mean it towards me in a negative way. No one knows the hurt I feel everyday besides my boyfriend. He's tried and tried to be positive and be happy for me but I can't be happy right now.
I tell myself that this is just how big I'll always be. I do like who I am and I want to embrace my size, but then I have someone saying that it's not healthy for me and I look fat and stuff.
Now of course I would love to be smaller and fit into all my 14s but in reality, right now I'm not ready to do the work to lose weight. I'm just not mentally there because I feel it's consumed my life.
I need to break free......:'(
September 18, 2008
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7 comments:
You said:
"Seriously, if I get talked to over and over again about losing weight, it's just gonna make me not try. I have to want to do this for myself."
You're absolutely right. Positive support helps me, but nagging never helps me with a diet. My motivation has to come from me, not from somebody else. Best wishes.
You will find a time that will work for you, and until then you have to do what's right for you. I think you're doing the right thing, and I support you waiting until you're in a better living situation/mental freedom to start again.
I've been watching you try this and that and not really do anything, and I was wondering when you'd just quit entirely. I'm am NOT saying that to be mean, and call you a quitter - only that it's plain that you're not in the space to do it now.
I tried losing weight from age 14 to 22 without success. On and off, here and there - always something was wrong. Either I was miserable or desperate or I felt like I was being watched or I didn't know how to cook and that messed me up...
It's a learning process. I'm finally able to lose weight because it's just TIME. I can cook some things now, and I'm curious to try more things. I'm into eating healthy. I'm into being active. I know so much MORE about weight loss now than I ever did. I think all the puzzle pieces will fall into place for you some day, but if the pieces aren't there right now, you can't just make them appear out of thin air.
<3333
Be well.
Hey, sweetie. I hate to see you go from YT but I understand. I know this "loosing weight" thing is hard. You just have to wait until everything finally lines up for you.
Sorry about your mom not being supportive. I know exactly what you are feeling. My mom was always supportive but her mom isn't. Her mom has nagged her all her life. Not really directly but just little snide remarks that have really hurt her. She feels that no matter how successful she is in other areas of her life her mother will always be disappointed in her because she is not thin, conversely, she feels that even if her life was totally screwed up but she were thin, her mother would let the rest slide. Now, I really don't think my grandmother truely feels that way but the way she has treated my mom makes her feel that way. The other thing I don't get about her (my grandmother) is she will talk about how my dad (her son-in-law) really needs to loose weight then she will make a really fattening dinner & try to get him to eat seconds & thirds & just keep offering it to him. I want to say, "How's he going to loose weight if you keep forcing food down him?!"
I know your mother loves you & just wants the best for you but the way she is going about it is all wrong. You would think she would learn that her nagging has done no good up to now that she would stop. You'll do this one day but you have to be mentally & emotionally ready, I believe.
You may or may not have already tried this & this is totally just a suggestion so take it or leave it. You know your mother & your relationship way better than me so, anyway. Try writing a letter to your mom. Try to be as loving & respectful in it as you can. Tell her you know she loves you & worries about you but this is something you are going to have to do on your own & her comments just make it more difficult & make you feel more like a failure. Tell her that when you feel ready to hear her advice you will come to her & ask her for it but, for now, it is only frustrating you & not motivating you.
You know, Kristy's comment is spot on. I wrote a letter to Sean originally that was just like "I've had it, You're not changing, I'm leaving" and then I realized that he probably had no idea what he was doing, and what good would the letter do then? Just hurt and confuse him.
So I wrote a new letter, a LONG letter, all about what I think we're going through and how I think we can fix it. Not a bunch of feelings, not anything accusatory, but just: this is my observation. I don't like the way you're being, and I assume that your anger at me is for something I'M doing that I don't even KNOW I'm doing. And can we work together?
He's been really receptive to that approach, and I think we'll really be able to work through this.
My point? A non-accusatory, explanatory letter saying you both need to work on things and can you have a talk about this? letter sounds like a good idea, if you want to try and push through and keep losing weight now as opposed to later.
Luck!!
Let me try this again...I left you a message on AIM, not sure you got it. I think what your mom did was wrong and I am sorry. We should talk about the comment, our common ground was weight not kids. I see you are getting plenty of postitive feedback so no worries if you are not intersted in talking with me...hang in there.
i understand your frustration with your mom...i had pretty much the same situation with my father. The more he wanted it and pushed it...the harder i fought in the opposite direction...most of the time not fully realizing it till later...but i only ended up hurting myself...cause i did want to lose the weight for me, i just felt that as long as he wanted it and was on my back the way he was...watching everything i ate...or didnt eat and whatnot..that it was sort of for him..or he would think it was for him and i didnt want to give him that satisfaction for him to think that his nagging actually worked (even though it wouldnt have been him or the nagging...it would have been me for me). I used to eat my dinner standing up in the kitchen before it was set out on the table in front of him and then have a few bites at the table so he didnt see what or how much i was eating cause i knew hed say something...i would sit in such a way where things on the table would kind of hide my plate from his line of vision just to avoid the comments. I too have either snuck take out stuff either up to my room...or even ate it in the car before i got home...or would just park in this parking lot across the street and eat it there just to avoid that if i really wanted whatever it was. anyway...i realize your situation is a little different since you are happy and comfortable right now at the weight you are at...thats all that should matter really. you can be where you are and still healthy too...and if at some point you want and are ready to drop the rest that you wanted to...its your call. oh and also i know what you mean about it being easier when not living at home...i ALWAYS gained when i was home...then when i lived on my own i would lose...after a point i would kinda seesaw back and forth...but it always seemed like 'home' was the catalyst. its what got me to where i am now...when i went temporarily moved back home 2 years ago i was 50lbs less than when i started losing weight this time around...i tried to put up a good fight to continue losing...but in the end i ended up gaining...all 50lbs back...luckily i didnt gain more...that was an accomplishment in and of itself for me. anyway i didnt mean to make this about me...its just i feel like i can relate to your situation.
i dont know if your mom knows or realizes how her comments and such make you feel...she probably means well but it isnt good for you. regardless of her or anyone else...you need to do what you feel is good and right for you...with weight loss and youtube. i enjoyed watching your videos and chatting in stickam those times (though i havent been in there in a while...been busy) so ill check here more often for updates. id love to kinda catch up and stay in touch...so if you want my messengers are: yahoo: imaginadia510, msn: nadia_510@msn.com and i have AIM but am never on...its the same id as yahoo. if you have any of them send me a message sometime!
i'm sorry it took me so long to read this :( i know exactly how you feel about not wanting to eat in front of family members or at family gatherings and things like that, especially after being "on a diet" so many times i feel like they're always watching what i eat for me, instead of just letting me do it for myself, know what i mean? i'm sorry things are so hard right now but shanti is right, the pieces just aren't there right now, but they will be someday. i also think she and kristea are right about writing a letter. i know those comments were a couple days ago and i still have more of your blog to catch up on, but i hope things are better.
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