Stressed Out

Well, just when I thought things were going really good for me, BOOM, I get sick.

I had the flu this past week :( I went to the Emergency room on Monday night because I was really nauseated and was throwing up. I got into my mom's car with a bag to throw up in on my lap and trust me, did I use it! It was awful. The following day I had a slight fever, aches and pains, and I was having hot and cold flashes all day. This is when I knew it was the flu. From then on I took a couple more days to recover so I missed 4 days of teaching :(....I feel so awful for not being there too. It's not that I didn't want to be there.....I was sick :( I had all my plans done though so my cooperating teacher was very well prepared :) I am happy about pleasing her though.

On to my weight loss. Oh boy.....what can I say? The last time I weighed in was a couple of days ago and I think I weighed about 190. So......that's where I've been settled at for months now.

I think that the girls on YouTube who are on Weight Watchers are all very inspirational and I wish I could be like them, but where is my motivation to get going? I feel like I lack motivation to even start. My addiction to food is so bad that I feel like it's hindering my weight loss.

What am I even saying ! ugh.....I need to do it now.

Doing Well

Okay, so everyone needs a new start and I really think I found my new start. I really like how I feel about myself and how I don't feel "fat" when I eat fewer calories. I slip up here and there, but it's life.

Like today for instance. I wasn't at home all day so I had to make smart choices. For breakfast I had a bagel with cream cheese and it was so yummy. For lunch, after moving some furniture into the truck, Randy and I were driving down Gratiot and we decided to hit up Tubby's for lunch. Yea, subs aren't high in calories right?! I was so wrong! My sub was over 900 cals and over 50 g of fat. Yea, I had a high fat count today. Oh well! lol

My calories ended up being my maintenance cals for the day so all is well.

Laura: I do relate to you in a huge way!! If anything, I'll prob be how you are now when I reach my goal. I just figured we could talk about it. No bad feelings whatsoever!!

Checking In

So, as my last post stated, I made a change!!

I switched to an entirely different website: HERE!!

This website is amazing! It's just like the daily plate, but much better. There are still forums where people can talk and relate to each other, but when you click on a button that says Complete Today's Entry, it says...If everyday was like today's, you'd weigh ______ in 5 weeks. How amazing is that?! It keeps you in check by critiquing how you did for the day.

I am trying to wean myself down off of my ginormous (lol) calorie intake I am used to eating, so I thought I could make it on 1300 calories yesterday...boy was I wrong! I ended up not doing so bad :) I ate 1,854 calories. So, today I'm hoping to get under that by 100 or so. I think weaning myself off slowly is better than going cold turkey. :)

I also started working out. I so did NOT want to start, but I HAD to. So, yesterday I walked for 25 minutes on the treadmill and then I did my weights. Mainly my arms because they are in desperate need for toning. I have that jiggly stuff that old women normally have.....no offense, but I'm 22...my arms should not be looking like that yet!! lol

Well, I hope everyone else is doing well. I am so far and I like it.

It's Been A While

Wow. It has been a long time since I've updated. Well, things just continued to get worse with my weight.

Good News: I'm engaged!!! (since Sweetest Day)

Bad News: I've gained weight and this time I can FEEL the weight in new areas. This is the worst feeling ever!

So, I've been eating horribly because of stress with my mom and the wedding. She's trying to tell me what I can/cannot do. Um, who's wedding is this again? Oh that's right...NOT YOURS!!! Ugh...

So, I'm sitting at 190 or more...I have not weighed myself for accuracy. I weighed myself a few days ago at night and was 191 so I'm prob 2 lbs less. I am usually 2 lbs less in the morning.

What I said above about FEELING the weight in new areas, I hate it. It's like when I walk, I can feel the new fat in my hips and thighs. My arms can totally feel it....and I have more of a chin than normal. It's disgusting.

The funny thing is though, when I do go for the fast food to drown my sorrows, I am not thinking this is gonna just turn into fat. I have this realization in my head that I won't gain weight. Isn't that weird? I feel like I'm just eating another meal. I have to be eating over 2500 calories a day even more I'm sure.

I remember telling myself that once school started I'll be okay and start losing weight because I'll be on a routine. No, that changed because my classes are night classes. My Monday night class is from 5 until about 9:15ish. We only get one 25 minute break and the cafeteria is about a 3 min walk plus you have to stand in line for food and then eat/talk with my friends plus get a bathroom break if I'm lucky. It's horrible. I can try to bring my food, but reheating it takes some time. There are only 2 microwaves too so if it's in use, then I'm screwed. ugh...

I'm wearing more and more sweaters to cover up my stomach. At least I am aware of what I'm doing and not in denial about how I look. This blog turned into a pity party didn't it?

One thing that I can not let myself do is become obsessed with losing weight. The main reason why I left youtube was because I got so obsessed with losing weight and everything involving weight loss. First, I deleted my videos from youtube. Then, I just continued watching other people for inspiration. My obsession continued, so then I just stopped logging in to watch weight loss videos. It worked for a while. I still to this day will log on a watch those people whose videos capture me.

I have become way more busier than I was over the summer lol. I have so much homework to do including creating lesson plans and thematic units. I have like no time for anything because when I'm not doing homework or have class, the other two days I'm inside a fourth grade classroom where I'll be student teaching in December.

So that's where I'm at.

A Day of Pure Nothing

I got to stay in my pajamas all day. I'm not really happy about it though because I went to do laundry and then there was a lot of water on the basement floor. Basically our drain backed up, again, and it's because of roots in our drain that clog it. My dad gets home and asks me if I cleaned it and I was told by my mom that he was going to clean it and take care of it. I have no clue what I was doing if I did do it. So, my dad got mad at me because I didn't do anything. This is funny, but he asked me if I went to the bathroom and made it back up....I'm like No, I was doing laundry and then there was a bunch of water on the floor.

So now I'm finishing up my laundry because it's fixed now....whoo hoo.

Thank You!!!

I want to thank everyone for all the comments on my last blog. You all don't know how much that meant to me to hear from you all. The whole letter idea...I've done that in the past and it worked for like a day.

My mom and I went to Cedar Pointe on Saturday and we had a blast. There were no arguments...nothing! Sunday was the same thing.....and I'm talking about food issues...there were none. I hope it continues to not be a problem, but with my mom it's up and down.

I weighed myself this morning just for the hell of it and it said I'm 187 lbs. That's 3 lbs away from my all time high...:( Right now I am not happy with the way I look. Isn't that weird that self image changed daily? It makes me crazy. I saw Mandy's video about how "There is no Try" and it really made me think about how all my life while dieting I set myself up for failure. I do nothing, but talk....like I have nothing to back it up.

I got this thing in the mail about Weight Watchers and thought about going to the meetings to keep my mindset right and getting weighed in there and stuff, but I'm unsure if I would stick to it. :( That's so sad.

It's like when I'm not trying to diet, I gain weight. It's so horrible. Then I saw on YouTube that Aggy83 is back on :) Aggy83isback!!!!<---that's her youtube name..... She was the whole reason why I started counting calories way back in January. Her success was my motivation to continue and when she up and left...I was so sad :( I can't believe that she was gone!! She said she had personal reasons as to why she left..no she didn't gain her weight back or anything, but yea she is my inspiration.

I'll probably resort to counting calories again. I'm a loser.

Me Being Real Honest

To anyone who reads this....be forewarned.....I am leaving YouTube.

I can not take it anymore.

The failure, the hopes, the dreams, the annoyances, the hurt I feel every day, it all has to stop.

I feel like a failure and a quitter. In fact, I am a quitter and a failure when it comes to my purpose being on YouTube. I get on saying I'm really excited about a new diet or idea that I have and then I come back saying it didn't work or I just didn't like it.

Not to mention the drama recently on youtube is crazy ridiculous and I just want to get away.

My weight loss journey, looking back, in January was full of hope and dreams. I was so into it while working out while living with my boyfriend that I was happy and doing something that I wanted to do. Once I moved back home, I stopped trying. I had the stress of my mom on my back wanting me to lose weight that it just makes me want to do the opposite and not even try anymore. :(

Seriously, if I get talked to over and over again about losing weight, it's just gonna make me not try. I have to want to do this for myself. Every single time I look into dieting I go and show my mom the diet plan just to get her excited and off of my back. When I stop, she tells me to continue eating because that's all I do.

Take tonight for instance...I really needed a shoulder to cry on. I get home and my mom is downstairs so I rush upstairs(hiding the McD's from her) and eat my two cheeseburgers. Then I go downstairs (mom is sleeping on the couch b/c my dad snores and moves around a lot) and I go in and take my McFlurry out of the freezer. Less than 10 minutes later, she comes up and says that we need to talk. I did not sneak my McFlurry upstairs because she was sleeping and it was in my hand it was just dark ...no lights were on when I walked by. She comes upstairs saying that I do nothing but bring home McD's every night (not true, I would admit that too but it's not true) and she says I do nothing but eat all day. Again, not true. She's at work all day and I go to work right before she gets home. She has no idea what I do all day. I have plenty of opportunities to eat...I mean I work at the Pretzel Peddler for god's sake. So she gets me really mad by telling me that I've quit my diet and I continue to piss her off by saying yes mom, I'm a quitter. She says I need help and I told her that she can't help me because I like my body right now. I like who I am and where I'm at in life. She doesn't hear that at all. It goes in one ear and our the other. I feel like all I do is try to make her happy and so she doesn't have a fat daughter.

That's all I've been to her is fat.

My eyes are tearing up as I'm writing this because this is ruining my life. Last year when I was doing MWLC diet, I wasn't at home and I think that's why I was so successful. If I was at home, I'd have the stress of her watching me like a hawk while eating ruin my day.

I feel so alone in this because I feel like I'm the only one who feels hurt when they eat. And my boyfriend wonders why I hate eating in front of family members....or why I hate walking by and getting food at family gatherings....or why I'm afraid to even eat fatty foods in front of others because I'm afraid someone will tell me it's not good for me.

I have cried so much in the past because of one tiny comment someone made to me even if they didn't mean it towards me in a negative way. No one knows the hurt I feel everyday besides my boyfriend. He's tried and tried to be positive and be happy for me but I can't be happy right now.

I tell myself that this is just how big I'll always be. I do like who I am and I want to embrace my size, but then I have someone saying that it's not healthy for me and I look fat and stuff.

Now of course I would love to be smaller and fit into all my 14s but in reality, right now I'm not ready to do the work to lose weight. I'm just not mentally there because I feel it's consumed my life.

I need to break free......:'(