I got to stay in my pajamas all day. I'm not really happy about it though because I went to do laundry and then there was a lot of water on the basement floor. Basically our drain backed up, again, and it's because of roots in our drain that clog it. My dad gets home and asks me if I cleaned it and I was told by my mom that he was going to clean it and take care of it. I have no clue what I was doing if I did do it. So, my dad got mad at me because I didn't do anything. This is funny, but he asked me if I went to the bathroom and made it back up....I'm like No, I was doing laundry and then there was a bunch of water on the floor.
So now I'm finishing up my laundry because it's fixed now....whoo hoo.
September 25, 2008
September 22, 2008
Thank You!!!
I want to thank everyone for all the comments on my last blog. You all don't know how much that meant to me to hear from you all. The whole letter idea...I've done that in the past and it worked for like a day.
My mom and I went to Cedar Pointe on Saturday and we had a blast. There were no arguments...nothing! Sunday was the same thing.....and I'm talking about food issues...there were none. I hope it continues to not be a problem, but with my mom it's up and down.
I weighed myself this morning just for the hell of it and it said I'm 187 lbs. That's 3 lbs away from my all time high...:( Right now I am not happy with the way I look. Isn't that weird that self image changed daily? It makes me crazy. I saw Mandy's video about how "There is no Try" and it really made me think about how all my life while dieting I set myself up for failure. I do nothing, but talk....like I have nothing to back it up.
I got this thing in the mail about Weight Watchers and thought about going to the meetings to keep my mindset right and getting weighed in there and stuff, but I'm unsure if I would stick to it. :( That's so sad.
It's like when I'm not trying to diet, I gain weight. It's so horrible. Then I saw on YouTube that Aggy83 is back on :) Aggy83isback!!!!<---that's her youtube name..... She was the whole reason why I started counting calories way back in January. Her success was my motivation to continue and when she up and left...I was so sad :( I can't believe that she was gone!! She said she had personal reasons as to why she left..no she didn't gain her weight back or anything, but yea she is my inspiration.
I'll probably resort to counting calories again. I'm a loser.
My mom and I went to Cedar Pointe on Saturday and we had a blast. There were no arguments...nothing! Sunday was the same thing.....and I'm talking about food issues...there were none. I hope it continues to not be a problem, but with my mom it's up and down.
I weighed myself this morning just for the hell of it and it said I'm 187 lbs. That's 3 lbs away from my all time high...:( Right now I am not happy with the way I look. Isn't that weird that self image changed daily? It makes me crazy. I saw Mandy's video about how "There is no Try" and it really made me think about how all my life while dieting I set myself up for failure. I do nothing, but talk....like I have nothing to back it up.
I got this thing in the mail about Weight Watchers and thought about going to the meetings to keep my mindset right and getting weighed in there and stuff, but I'm unsure if I would stick to it. :( That's so sad.
It's like when I'm not trying to diet, I gain weight. It's so horrible. Then I saw on YouTube that Aggy83 is back on :) Aggy83isback!!!!<---that's her youtube name..... She was the whole reason why I started counting calories way back in January. Her success was my motivation to continue and when she up and left...I was so sad :( I can't believe that she was gone!! She said she had personal reasons as to why she left..no she didn't gain her weight back or anything, but yea she is my inspiration.
I'll probably resort to counting calories again. I'm a loser.
September 18, 2008
Me Being Real Honest
To anyone who reads this....be forewarned.....I am leaving YouTube.
I can not take it anymore.
The failure, the hopes, the dreams, the annoyances, the hurt I feel every day, it all has to stop.
I feel like a failure and a quitter. In fact, I am a quitter and a failure when it comes to my purpose being on YouTube. I get on saying I'm really excited about a new diet or idea that I have and then I come back saying it didn't work or I just didn't like it.
Not to mention the drama recently on youtube is crazy ridiculous and I just want to get away.
My weight loss journey, looking back, in January was full of hope and dreams. I was so into it while working out while living with my boyfriend that I was happy and doing something that I wanted to do. Once I moved back home, I stopped trying. I had the stress of my mom on my back wanting me to lose weight that it just makes me want to do the opposite and not even try anymore. :(
Seriously, if I get talked to over and over again about losing weight, it's just gonna make me not try. I have to want to do this for myself. Every single time I look into dieting I go and show my mom the diet plan just to get her excited and off of my back. When I stop, she tells me to continue eating because that's all I do.
Take tonight for instance...I really needed a shoulder to cry on. I get home and my mom is downstairs so I rush upstairs(hiding the McD's from her) and eat my two cheeseburgers. Then I go downstairs (mom is sleeping on the couch b/c my dad snores and moves around a lot) and I go in and take my McFlurry out of the freezer. Less than 10 minutes later, she comes up and says that we need to talk. I did not sneak my McFlurry upstairs because she was sleeping and it was in my hand it was just dark ...no lights were on when I walked by. She comes upstairs saying that I do nothing but bring home McD's every night (not true, I would admit that too but it's not true) and she says I do nothing but eat all day. Again, not true. She's at work all day and I go to work right before she gets home. She has no idea what I do all day. I have plenty of opportunities to eat...I mean I work at the Pretzel Peddler for god's sake. So she gets me really mad by telling me that I've quit my diet and I continue to piss her off by saying yes mom, I'm a quitter. She says I need help and I told her that she can't help me because I like my body right now. I like who I am and where I'm at in life. She doesn't hear that at all. It goes in one ear and our the other. I feel like all I do is try to make her happy and so she doesn't have a fat daughter.
That's all I've been to her is fat.
My eyes are tearing up as I'm writing this because this is ruining my life. Last year when I was doing MWLC diet, I wasn't at home and I think that's why I was so successful. If I was at home, I'd have the stress of her watching me like a hawk while eating ruin my day.
I feel so alone in this because I feel like I'm the only one who feels hurt when they eat. And my boyfriend wonders why I hate eating in front of family members....or why I hate walking by and getting food at family gatherings....or why I'm afraid to even eat fatty foods in front of others because I'm afraid someone will tell me it's not good for me.
I have cried so much in the past because of one tiny comment someone made to me even if they didn't mean it towards me in a negative way. No one knows the hurt I feel everyday besides my boyfriend. He's tried and tried to be positive and be happy for me but I can't be happy right now.
I tell myself that this is just how big I'll always be. I do like who I am and I want to embrace my size, but then I have someone saying that it's not healthy for me and I look fat and stuff.
Now of course I would love to be smaller and fit into all my 14s but in reality, right now I'm not ready to do the work to lose weight. I'm just not mentally there because I feel it's consumed my life.
I need to break free......:'(
I can not take it anymore.
The failure, the hopes, the dreams, the annoyances, the hurt I feel every day, it all has to stop.
I feel like a failure and a quitter. In fact, I am a quitter and a failure when it comes to my purpose being on YouTube. I get on saying I'm really excited about a new diet or idea that I have and then I come back saying it didn't work or I just didn't like it.
Not to mention the drama recently on youtube is crazy ridiculous and I just want to get away.
My weight loss journey, looking back, in January was full of hope and dreams. I was so into it while working out while living with my boyfriend that I was happy and doing something that I wanted to do. Once I moved back home, I stopped trying. I had the stress of my mom on my back wanting me to lose weight that it just makes me want to do the opposite and not even try anymore. :(
Seriously, if I get talked to over and over again about losing weight, it's just gonna make me not try. I have to want to do this for myself. Every single time I look into dieting I go and show my mom the diet plan just to get her excited and off of my back. When I stop, she tells me to continue eating because that's all I do.
Take tonight for instance...I really needed a shoulder to cry on. I get home and my mom is downstairs so I rush upstairs(hiding the McD's from her) and eat my two cheeseburgers. Then I go downstairs (mom is sleeping on the couch b/c my dad snores and moves around a lot) and I go in and take my McFlurry out of the freezer. Less than 10 minutes later, she comes up and says that we need to talk. I did not sneak my McFlurry upstairs because she was sleeping and it was in my hand it was just dark ...no lights were on when I walked by. She comes upstairs saying that I do nothing but bring home McD's every night (not true, I would admit that too but it's not true) and she says I do nothing but eat all day. Again, not true. She's at work all day and I go to work right before she gets home. She has no idea what I do all day. I have plenty of opportunities to eat...I mean I work at the Pretzel Peddler for god's sake. So she gets me really mad by telling me that I've quit my diet and I continue to piss her off by saying yes mom, I'm a quitter. She says I need help and I told her that she can't help me because I like my body right now. I like who I am and where I'm at in life. She doesn't hear that at all. It goes in one ear and our the other. I feel like all I do is try to make her happy and so she doesn't have a fat daughter.
That's all I've been to her is fat.
My eyes are tearing up as I'm writing this because this is ruining my life. Last year when I was doing MWLC diet, I wasn't at home and I think that's why I was so successful. If I was at home, I'd have the stress of her watching me like a hawk while eating ruin my day.
I feel so alone in this because I feel like I'm the only one who feels hurt when they eat. And my boyfriend wonders why I hate eating in front of family members....or why I hate walking by and getting food at family gatherings....or why I'm afraid to even eat fatty foods in front of others because I'm afraid someone will tell me it's not good for me.
I have cried so much in the past because of one tiny comment someone made to me even if they didn't mean it towards me in a negative way. No one knows the hurt I feel everyday besides my boyfriend. He's tried and tried to be positive and be happy for me but I can't be happy right now.
I tell myself that this is just how big I'll always be. I do like who I am and I want to embrace my size, but then I have someone saying that it's not healthy for me and I look fat and stuff.
Now of course I would love to be smaller and fit into all my 14s but in reality, right now I'm not ready to do the work to lose weight. I'm just not mentally there because I feel it's consumed my life.
I need to break free......:'(
September 14, 2008
Ramblings
It's been a long time since I last wrote an update. Ever since, pretty much, the end of the June Challenge way back when, I noticed that I slacked off and completely gave up. I have not been aware of the things I eat because I've been eating everything I want. It's funny to say that it should be satisfying because it's what I wanted, but it's the complete opposite. I feel stuffed, gross, bloated, huge, and not happy with myself. I think it has to do with what I wear. Most of my stuff doesn't fit me anymore. I have 2 pairs of jeans that are way too big on me that I wear and I feel gross in them. I have to wear them though because I don't have the funds right now to buy jeans that fit me. I have 1 pair that fits perfectly and I feel awesome in them :) I only have about 4 pairs of jeans. Yep, that's about right.
So, weight loss news....I'm sitting at 185 right now. So, that means that I've kept off 5 lbs since January lol. It's a loss yes, but I should have done way better haha! Oh well. I have some pretty high hopes and goals for the upcoming Fall and Winter for me :)
Randy's sister, Wendy, started a new diet that her dietitian gave her and her first week ended on Thursday. She had lost 5 lbs!! Her diet is about 1800 calories which is fine for her, but I had to find something around 1200-1400 for mine online. Same basic concept, but a little lower in calories. The diet that she was put on is the Diabetic Diet because she has PCOS. I'm so proud of her and I'm happy for her for losing weight and I know this diet will work for her. I am not diabetic nor do I have any medical conditions, but this diet says that even if you need to lose weight, it'll work. It basically is a list of foods under milk, fats, bread/starches, and so on that you can fit into your meal plans. You get so many of it a day and you limit sweets and stuff. You can basically eat anything you want, just plan for it and be prepared. I still wanted to do some research to try to find something that was layed out a bit more better than her diet.
This is what I found that should be fool proof :)
I am really looking forward to trying it, but I just don't know when to start yet. I want the weight to come off and with this diet I know it will. Should I wait until school starts in 2 weeks from tomorrow or just start tomorrow? I'm not sure. I'll just say this, whenever I start, I'm going to stick with it. If I go off plan for a meal or day or whatever, I'll get right back on it. No more excuses this time, but what's funny is, this is all easier said than done! lol
I'm excited about change and I hope it works :)
So, weight loss news....I'm sitting at 185 right now. So, that means that I've kept off 5 lbs since January lol. It's a loss yes, but I should have done way better haha! Oh well. I have some pretty high hopes and goals for the upcoming Fall and Winter for me :)
Randy's sister, Wendy, started a new diet that her dietitian gave her and her first week ended on Thursday. She had lost 5 lbs!! Her diet is about 1800 calories which is fine for her, but I had to find something around 1200-1400 for mine online. Same basic concept, but a little lower in calories. The diet that she was put on is the Diabetic Diet because she has PCOS. I'm so proud of her and I'm happy for her for losing weight and I know this diet will work for her. I am not diabetic nor do I have any medical conditions, but this diet says that even if you need to lose weight, it'll work. It basically is a list of foods under milk, fats, bread/starches, and so on that you can fit into your meal plans. You get so many of it a day and you limit sweets and stuff. You can basically eat anything you want, just plan for it and be prepared. I still wanted to do some research to try to find something that was layed out a bit more better than her diet.
This is what I found that should be fool proof :)
I am really looking forward to trying it, but I just don't know when to start yet. I want the weight to come off and with this diet I know it will. Should I wait until school starts in 2 weeks from tomorrow or just start tomorrow? I'm not sure. I'll just say this, whenever I start, I'm going to stick with it. If I go off plan for a meal or day or whatever, I'll get right back on it. No more excuses this time, but what's funny is, this is all easier said than done! lol
I'm excited about change and I hope it works :)
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