Having A Rough Day

Yep, that's right, I'm having a rough day today...well HAD a rough day today. Every time I'm close to starting my period, usually a day or two before, I get really hungry and depressed. I get to the point where I get sad and I feel like I need to indulge on food to make my problems go away. The old me, which I'm trying to say old because I shouldn't feel like I need food anymore, the old me would just go someplace and gorge myself in some fast food. BUT, I had already had my snack after dinner AND a slice of cake. I had about 1800 calories today and I'm okay with that. I have to go over 2000 calories to be worried because that's my maintenance calories. So anyways, I wanted to go to Taco Bell really badly because I was feeling so down. I did not go to Taco Bell, but I wanted to just so I can fill the void. The thing is though, I didn't want food. Yes, I wanted like cheese, but nothing like from McDonald's or anything. It was a very weird feeling. I was full, but I wanted to eat anyways.

I really feel bad for my boyfriend who is there when I need to talk, but I need to lighten up about this situation. I'm my own worst critic always and I know I'm a hard ass. I just need to lighten up. Whenever he sees me this way, he hates it! I know he's there to console me and help me, but sometimes what he says just makes me even more annoyed because it's not like it's a switch that will turn me into being happy and not hungry. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and he's there for me no matter what!, but I just feel like it's hard for him to understand....I mean he's 6'4" and weighs 150 lbs. ENOUGH SAID! He's tired of seeing me struggle because he knows how much I want this for myself. He hates seeing me sad and so do I.

I know I want to lose my weight, but because it's so slow, I'm getting frustrated. Every single diet I've been on, I've lost weight really quickly. Now that I'm eating normal, but with smaller portions, I feel like it's taking forever. Am I doing everything I can to lose fast? No. The reason is because if I lose it fast, I will gain it fast. If I cheat and eat something like fast food, I don't see a gain on the scale because my body is already used to that type of food. I don't feel I should deprive myself of things I like.

I'm feeling so many emotions right now and it's hard to sway myself back on track. I am back on track though...I mean I didn't eat anything when I got home. I know tomorrow is a new day and I'm gonna do this, but with it being the time of the month, my hormones make me hungry. It's like I'm never full. :( And another thing, my parents go to bed really early....like around 10ish so I can't sneak downstairs to get food. While I was living with Randy, I could do that, but here, I have to eat everything before they go to bed. In one way it's kinda nice because I won't snack late, but in another way, I hate it because I'm hungry and when I'm hungry, it's very hard for me to go to sleep. :(

Blogging about my day and how tough it really is for me is really helping me. I feel a little bit better knowing that I typed out my feelings. :) I need to get my calorie intake down though in order to lose more weight. I don't feel like I'm gaining or losing. I feel like I'm just coasting still at 181 lbs.

Here's to a better day tomorrow!